Here it is — the Florida news piece so fucking bizarre it brought the Against Florida blog out of retirement:

25-year-old Carlos Rodriguez of Miami, Florida was arrested earlier this month for soliciting a prostitute … when he approached an undercover police officer and told her he was looking to pay $80 for some [rhymes with “wussy”].

And in his mugshot, you can see that he only has HALF A HEAD.

More mugshots can be found here, and the police report is here.

Not that we relish the practice of mocking the afflicted, no matter how catastrophically gruesome such afflictions may be. But we must admit it did push our sick fascination with Florida all the further towards the breaking point. As for the nature of this man’s injuries… we’ve got our money on it having something to do with somea that good old-fashioned Floridian brain cancer.

We hope no one thought our prolonged absence meant we’d RUN OUT of hideous, unnatural bizarre emanating from the Sunshine State. Our browser is stuffed to bursting with bookmarks of Floridian transgressions. “Stay tuned,” as they used to say last century with older, shittier media.

Stingrays.

Man stabbed in chest, heart by stingray barb

LIGHTHOUSE POINT - James Bertakis tried to swat a stingray away after it flopped onto his boat Wednesday.

For his trouble, the 3-foot-wide ray stung him, leaving a barb in his chest that eventually lodged in his heart.

Bertakis, 81, remained in critical condition on Thursday.

Bertakis of Lighthouse Point was on the water in a 16-foot boat with his granddaughter and a friend Wednesday when the stingray flopped onto the boat.

The barb lodged in Bertakis’ heart, said Dr. Eugene Costantini at Broward General Medical Center. It originally punctured Bertakis’ lung. Bertakis’ labored breathing caused it to migrate through the left ventricle, Costantini said. It later penetrated the opposite wall.

Doctors saw the 2½-inch barb sticking out of his heart when they began surgery, the doctor said.

“We pulled it through just like a fish hook,” Costantini said.

One more venomous animal to add to the army of creatures teeming in and around Florida, all chanting one, unmistakable message: GET OUT.

And of course, as the whole state literally collapses in on itself, the real victims in Florida are the usurers:

Sinkhole Claims Threaten to Engulf Florida Insurers

An army of public adjusters with fliers, billboards, websites or phone-call pitches made to consumers is helping fuel what regulators call a surge in sinkhole-related property-insurance claims. For example, Citizens Property Insurance Corp., the largest insurer of Florida homes, gets about 200 sinkhole claims a month, nearly double the rate a year ago.

“It’s an alarming increase,” says Susanne Murphy, chief administration officer of Citizens, a state-run insurer. Some Florida officials are worried that sinkhole claims could threaten the solvency of weaker small insurers, including companies that the state helped nurture to expand the availability of hurricane insurance.

The number of public adjusters, who are hired directly by policyholders, has grown to 2,914 as of 2009 from 678 in 2004, according to a January report by state public-policy analysts. And since public adjusters typically earn as much as 20% of a claims payout, some likely are encouraging consumers to pursue questionable sinkhole claims, some regulators say, especially given the lack of major hurricane damage since Hurricane Wilma hit in 2005.

Adjusters have had to “direct their attention elsewhere,” says Kevin McCarty, commissioner of Florida’s office of insurance regulation. “It’s like Whac-A-Mole.”

Public adjusters say the surge in claims for sinkholes, or depressions in the land surface that can undermine a home’s stability, isn’t their fault. Overdevelopment has left ground susceptible to sinkholes, they say. Another reason for the jump: Some homeowners are trying to protect themselves in case insurers make coverage cutbacks.

So many insurers are citing sinkholes in rate-increase requests that Florida’s insurance department asked insurers last month to submit four years of sinkhole-claims data. A legislative committee also is gathering information. Many insurers in Florida have won double-digit percentage rate increases, while others are seeking approval for rate increases.

Sinkholes occur in other U.S. states, but Florida is more prone to problems because of underground limestone that dissolves under certain conditions, according to geologists. [Those conditions being: virulent overdevelopment and stupid, short-sighted Big Ag practices —ed]

“Gone unchecked, this [rise in sinkhole claims] could have a very significant destabilizing effect on an already-fragile market,” Mr. McCarty says.

It costs about $10,000 just to verify the presence of a sinkhole, says Ms. Murphy, the Citizens executive. Under current law, even if experts can’t rule out a sinkhole, the insurer might still be on the hook for repairs caused by normal foundation settlement that could safely be ignored, she adds.

Insurers have pushed for changes in the law that would include specifying the amount of sinkhole damage that could trigger a claim, such as a dip in the foundation by a certain number of degrees.

Many insurers also want tighter restrictions on public adjusters. Florida has 16 public adjusters per 100,000 residents. Other disaster-prone states have one to seven adjusters per 100,000 residents, according to state researchers.

Mr. Zeak, president and chief executive of Florida Public Adjusting, blames politicians for the problems. “Authorities have allowed many large subdivisions to be built in areas known to be prone” to sinkholes, he says.

One of Mr. Zeak’s customers, Sean Alderman, says the adjuster gave him “more justice” than any of the other parties he dealt with about his house in Lakeland, Fla. An insurer recently paid out $1.6 million on Mr. Alderman’s sinkhole claim, he says.

The car salesman and owner of trucking and debris-removal firms is fighting in court with a contractor who was involved in stabilizing the house by pumping concrete beneath it.

Some homeowners have complained to regulators and lawmakers about aggressive advertising by adjusters and lawyers, including some who blanket neighborhoods with fliers and phone calls. On an expressway in Tampa, Fla., a billboard touting a lawyer looking for cases screams “SINKHOLE DAMAGE?” with large capital letters sinking into mowed grass.

Florida: An unnatural disaster, full of natural disasters.

What really makes her not know whether to cry or laugh: E16 was HER parking spot. It’s what was LABELED for her apartment by her condo. It’s HER SPOT. DOESN’T NATURE KNOW THAT??

Florida: where geology doesn’t even have the decorum to respect our proprietary right to a strip of asphalt.

And thanks to “the market,” it looks like sinkholes are on the rise — er, sink — in Florida!

THE GIST:

• Persistent cold weather led Florida farmers to spray with groundwater to protect plants from freezing.
• A rapid drop in groundwater levels caused soil to drain into underground cavities, forming new sinkholes.
• Homes and highways can collapse into the sudden sinkholes.

The unusually persistent cold weather that’s been so damaging to Florida’s citrus crops this winter has also led, strangely enough, to the sudden opening of at least 22 new sinkholes, including one under an interstate highway.

Historically, sinkholes have not been a big problem in agricultural areas. But now there are more homes built in these areas, and that means more chances that a sinkhole will undermine a foundation and render a million-dollar house uninhabitable.

The connection of cold weather to sinkholes is a tale of two colliding phenomena: Florida’s naturally cave-riddled ground and fruit growers’ financial need to get fruit to market first.

“The real dramatic area (for sinkholes) is the Dover area east of Tampa,” said geologist Mark Stewart of the University of South Florida.

That’s where lots of strawberries are grown in winter so they can beat the California strawberries to the market in early spring. “It’s a very, very big agricultural thing,” he explained.

When freezing weather dips into Florida, which it usually does a couple of nights every year, growers protect the strawberry plants by pumping groundwater from wells and spraying it over the plants.

We can only smile, envisioning an aerial shot of a Florida-shaped hole where there was once something so, so much more vacuous and depressing.

Sinkholes.

Florida has more sinkholes than any state in the nation.

If left unprotected, polluted surface water can drain into sinkholes and easily contaminate the aquifers.

SINKHOLES and URBAN DEVELOPMENT
Sinkhole formation is aggravated and accelerated by urbanization. Development increases water usage, alters drainage pathways, overloads the ground surface, and redistributes soil. According to the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the number of human-induced sinkholes have doubled since 1930, insurance claims for damages as a result of sinkholes has increased 1200% from 1987 to 1991, costing nearly $100 million.

Yes, the very earth beneath this befouled stretch of providence appears to be rejecting the “civilization” it nominally supports, suddenly giving way hellward. There’s less Florida every day! If you ask us, that’s damn good news. Especially seeing as apparently no one on the news in this state seems capable of even making complete sentences.

Florida’s like that raging psychopath who accosts you on a dark street. He knifes you once and goes for your wallet, and as you lie there bleeding and dazed some part of your brain thinks “well at least the worst is over” — but then he stabs you again, and again, and again, and you realize that even after you’re dead he will continue stabbing, and stabbing, and stabbing…

Florida may team up with Jack Nicklaus to build golf courses on state park lands

Florida could allow the construction of at least five golf courses on state park lands under a proposal filed Friday that will likely come under fire from environmentalists.

The golf courses would be named after golf legend Jack Nicklaus as part of the “Jack Nicklaus Golf Trail of Florida” and one of them would have to be located at Jonathan Dickinson State Park in Martin County. The legislation also states that all of the courses would have to be designed by Nicklaus Design, which has developed courses across the world.

Nicklaus, who is one of the most celebrated golfers in the history of the sport, met with Gov. Rick Scott in late January. News reports at the time mention that Nicklaus talked with Scott about “economic development” and that Nicklaus talked to the governor about how “golf can be involved.”

The measures sponsored by Rep. Pat Rooney, R-West Palm Beach, and Sen. John Thrasher, R-St. Augustine, would also allow the golf course construction to be financed by revenue bonds issued by the state.

The argument behind the bill is that it would help boost the state’s tourism industry.

The legislation even states that the “creation of environmentally sensitive public golf facilities can elevate the state’s reputation throughout the United States as a premier golf destination capable of hosting major golf championships … and the creation of public golf facilities designed by Jack Nicklaus is in the public interest and will serve as a tourism development project to increase the use of existing state parks.”

Rooney’s bill also makes it clear the golf courses could not be subject to any regulations by city or county governments and that the companies chosen to operate the golf courses would be eligible for alcoholic beverage licenses.

Each golf course would have to have a minimum of 18 holes, a practice course, a clubhouse and “may include” a hotel.

The measure will likely come under fire from environmental groups who will argue that land bought for environmental purposes should not be developed or used for other activities.

No shit, huh? Of course, one can only imagine the uproar that would ensue if the logic was reversed and someone put up a bill to start a wildlife preserve on a golf course. We’ll just file that little dream away under “things too good to ever happen in Florida.”

(Thank you Penina Gal for the link!)

And from the “we just knew you were from Florida” files: Vanilla Ice.

It’s exhausting just thinking about this vapid, posturing hubris receptacle. We here at Against Florida are currently petitioning to make him the state mascot.

These days, when Mr. Van WInkle is not beating his wife, he’s flipping houses in Palm Beach County, proving that, like the Florida state bird, vermin never die easy.

Florida sucks no matter what language you say it in.